I'd been frustrated with myself for not getting over my jetlag, but the fact of the matter is that there's no schedule - no activities - nothing that I must do, so what does it matter? This is the peace that is so very healing...a gift. I wish all of us could access such a peaceful place.
And yet, I find ways to sabotage the peace. Social life here. I was feeling badly that no one had invited me on a walk and no one accepted my offers to do the same. I was wondering why I couldn't just make a friend like I so easily do back home. I was reminded of my childhood with my older sister - of always trying to keep up with her and having her ditch me with her friends. In truth, I feel that a very juvenile aspect of myself has come out and it's making me feel very excluded and very sad. And so I go out alone during the day and explore. Another gift to have this time and space to explore when and where I want to. Yet, I wish I was not alone. And then I remind myself that this is not a social vacation. Perhaps I'm not bonding with someone because the POINT of being here is to go within and heal.
This anxiety I have is a reflection of the monkey mind that rules my stress at home with my over-booked schedule and feelings that I'm never doing enough for my husband, friends, family, health or profession. I remind myself that I took this one huge step to India because i'm making time for health. And believe it or not, I think this psychological stuff resulting from social stresses has contributed to my dis-ease. This self depracation for not being cool enough, healthy enough, smart enough, or for example disciplined enough to sleep in through my jetlag, creates so much stress and anxiety where it need not be. For Christ's sake, I'm in paradise here! I get the morning all to myself and it's the most pristine time of day. What a gift! I'm here at an ashram to really go within and heal myself - it's not about giving out to others in order to share external distractions of experiences. I am grateful. And yet, there's a child-part of me that wishes that the kids wanted to play with me. But are they not on their own journeys? I must respect that and not try to barge in just because I fear I'm missing out. I must trust the flow, focus on myself and relax. It is a practice. And it is an important lesson to bring back home and maintain good health.
Relax. The past three days, I've started the late mornings (6:30/7) with a warm sesame oil massage followed by an herbal 'bath' where hot water is poured over my body on the table in order to stimulate circulation and pull out the toxins- all provided with a prayer and a blessing. Today was the beginning of a ghee treatment (also with a prayer and a blessing) that will last from 4-7 days and consists of drinking ghee in the morning followed by a sip of hot water every 30 minutes until I have porridge when I'm hungry, then rice and veggies for lunch and dinner. This phase will be followed by three days of heat through a sweat box or a hose or hot water depending on my sensitivity. MS can be exacerbated by heat (goodbye Burning Man; last year was really painful!). I'll then do one day of purgation and thus complete the detox phase. What happens thereafter is a mystery. The treatments are undoubtedly sweet and nourishing and soulful healing. I can't really put it into words. The food is also: it's fresh, homemade and hot. We have idly, chapati, dhal, coconut chutney, mung beans, vegetables, perfectly seasoned sauces and occasionally chai. Our water jugs are constantly refreshed with hot herbal water for drinking. The devotion and attention to purity and healing in this place are remarkable. I feel very, very we'll cared for here.
Yesterday, I took a rickshaw for 30 minutes to a nearby town of Koppa in order to get SIM cards. It was great to pass through the verdant foliage of these mountains. The telephone headquarters was very Indian and I was shuttled from one office to another to another with my request. Finally, I was placed at a desk of a very disgruntled man who seemed highly annoyed and was clearly going to take as long as possible to drag this out and make my life hell. I decided to take a chance. 'What's your good name sir?" I asked. "Gopal Krishna,' he muttered. "Ah, a very good name, sir. I know a song celebrating this name, would you like to hear it?' He grunted with a sidelong, slightly incredulous look that melted into a half smile as I sung a mantra I know from bhakti yoga teacher training in 2007 (thanks Rusty Wells!). It was as if the sun came out and lightened up his face and attitude. Suddenly, I had an ally to wend through the red tape and countless forms that he insisted he fill out instead of I. The engineer on the other side of the table started asking me about life in the States as he moved items around on a huge electronic switchboard that he said controlled all of the banks' telecommunications and ATM systems. I could've just reached over from my chair and disconnected the Bank of Karnataka's phone system with one move. So very Indian.... Anyway, he asked what the difference was between Indian and American attitudes. I told him that my experience is that Indians live in a constant state of Spirit with their rituals and celebrations. Spirituality is a big part of life here. I didn't notice such a devotional spirit in American people. He asked if I was Christian and seemed shocked when I said I didn't have an official religion, but that nature was my God and I believed in the Universal connectedness of everything. To that: the universal flow, he nodded and said 'Ah, yes, I understand your religion now. This is why you sing in Sanskrit - the language of nature and Spirit.'
After two hours, I hopped back into the rickshaw that I'd hired to take me to town and back and ran a few more errands around town. The shopkeepers were friendly and I received subtle stares, but nothing was threatening or uncomfortable. I found that I easily flowed into the crazy traffic of cows, people, rickshaws and cars as I crossed from one side of the street to the other. A chai walla was hollering 'chai garam...' and the smell of fried pakoras made me lick my lips.. Everything was chaos and at the same time very easy. Another difference to India. I love this place.
I returned home in time to go to the neighborhood college's 50 year anniversary. I knew it was happening b/c the ashram family told us and because the college decided to test their sound system at 2 in the morning - it worked very very well and they tested it for a good 30 minutes. Only in India...a group of us went over together; the two ladies in saris were swarmed by admirers and they loved it! The scene was epic. Massive tents with colorful ceilings of Indian designs fluttered in the breeze as hundreds of children ran around in their best clothes with doting mothers and proud fathers. The saris were stunning and the entire affair was over the top India. Blaring loud music, colorful elaborate flower displays, garish flags, ornate designs and decorated walls and floors with deities planted here and there. It was a celebration like no other for me- splendorous color! And of course the ever curious children practiced rote English questions and hovered around my chair. I was with a nice lady from PA and we fantasized about breaking into a sychronized Bollywwod dance to go along with the music and the unwavering attention from our neighbors, but that didn't happen.
A couple of gypsies from Belarus arrived at the ashram and they were sick. They disappeared into a room for some time and had their food delivered to them rather than joining in with our communal meals. When the man finally joined the group for a meal, the ladies tried to make polite conversation with him, but he gave vague answers. The next day, I almost backed into him at the sink and without thinking exclaimed, 'Ah, welcome back to the land of the living, it's nice to see you up and about. You looked nearly dead when you arrived!' He seemed amused. I asked his name and he said 'Estas.' 'How funny,' I said - that's the one comeback that no one can respond to. No matter what insult or accusation someone hurls at you, you can say 'You are!' and there it is. He said, 'Estas, no estas, none of it is real anyway' and I decided he didn't want to be bothered with conversation. Someone asked where he was from and he said 'nowhere' and he asked where I was from. 'San Francisco'. 'Ah,' he stroked his black goatee and flipped his scraggly long mane behind his copper gypsy vest, 'I've been there for some time, I passed through...' 'Yes, it's a small town, we may even know the same people,' I mused. 'I'll say just one name...Meriana Dinkova...yes?' I asked. His smile broadened. 'Yes, Prachanti (her partner) just invited me to go on a medicine journey with him in Peru,' he said. 'Small world,' I winked. It gave me some comfort that I could relate to a gypsy and call one person out of 750,000 that he knew. I may have some magic to me yet even if I explore alone most of the time around here. I call the woman he came with 'Surya' because she's always basking in the sun and doesn't say anything? They're an intersting pair. I heard from Dr Ashwin that he's a famous musician who just gave a tour and got sick. He and Krishna Das have been bonding. They keep to themselves.
Last night, Krishna Das showed me how to drive earplugs really deeply into my ears to sleep through the noises. That was nice of him, but I still woke up at 2. I used his technique this afternoon and drove the plugs in while pulling my ear up and out-whoosh-it goes deep. As he said, I couldn't even hear my fingers snap. It was a peaceful and quiet nap. I hope that I don't damage my ears...
As for my health - when I'm tired and I go for a walk around this beautiful place for more than 25 minutes, my arm tightens. But mostly, I don't feel anything - no knotting or tightening - and I feel that I've really dropped into this place. I feel that all of this social weirdness that I'm experiencing is part of dropping in even deeper. I hear that the ghee treatment pulls up a lot of toxic material that is both physical and emotional. I certainly feel that today. If part of the cause of my disease is stress and anxiety over everything, will not that arise during detox. I learned from the Bhagavad Gita that the best way out of a busy mind is to focus on one's connection to God. Since my God is nature, it's all coming together quite beautifully. Healing starts with relaxing the mind and going with the flow. Got it.
There's a part of me that think this blog may be too much of giving out of myself and that I may need to reel it in for a while; Stop putting out to externalities and just meditate on being, not doing. So, if I take a hiatus, I'm detoxing....on many levels. Allah Akbar!
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