Acceptance

Every time that we meet for a one-on-one consultation, Dr. Ashwin talks about the importance of acceptance and a positive attitude.  Some things I need to hear again and again.  This morning, I woke from a string of bad dreams about Matthew.  I couldn't see him, but I knew he was there.  I'd previously woken from a dream where I was mad at him for no reason and in my waking state I felt bad for being angry at him for no reason, and also frustrated that I hadn't actually seen him.  I then had another dream about Matt.  All of his friends and I were present for some sort of ritual honoring him and everyone was wearing white.  It was a silent dream.  Alex and April were wearing their wedding attire, but it was all white.  We were on a ranch somewhere and Matt or an effigy of Matt were on stage (again, I couldn't see/look at him) and they were doing a prostrating dance for him like the Indians do in Pujas here.  Jesse was nearby, looking lovely and shamanistic in white, doing a blessing in the four directions of north south east and west in Matt's honor.  I was then in my old neighborhood in Santa Clara and Jack Thorpe and Kara Nelson were with me looking at teenage decorations in my old bedroom.  Then, the doctor woke me up for treatment.  I was jostled and frustrated that I hadn't seen Matt in the dream, but that I'd seen so many other people from our community.  My skype messages had a new one from Matt saying he missed me.  I wanted to speak with him very badly.

So, I went directly to treatment.  It's a cleansing oil and nourishing water that has been boiled and brewed for 40 days to treat the cental nervous channel.  The doctor will do a cleanse of the central channel one day and a strengthening of it the next.  Today was the first:  a cleanse.  As the oil was being rubbed on my body, I was thinking about how much I missed Matthew and also about how bad I felt that I hadn't seen him in my dreams and that I'd been frustrated with him.  I was also thinking about a walk I took yesterday.  I ran some errands (clothes to the laundry man and a shirt to the tailor) and decided to walk down to the river.  I sat by the river for some time and it was becoming twilight, so I took the long route home around the village and along a ridge overlooking rice fields to see the sunset.  I started to feel tingling in my legs, even though I hadn't walked 25 minutes and it wasn't too hot.  It wasn't bad tingling, just a bit.  And I had just 5 more minutes to go.  I walked on and thought of all of the things that I like to do - long hikes, adventures, being in the sun.  I thought about how I'd need to curtail those activities.  Walking from cabin to cabin in Yosemite if we win the lottery?  Maybe not.  Going on multi-hour hikes with friends without stopping?  Maybe not.  Being a slower walker b/c I'm generally tired now? Yes.  I started to get so down on myself and my limitations, a well as frustration with my dreams, that I started crying.

I told the Dr. that I was still in the acceptance phase and feeling very frustrated and sad, and that I'd had a nightmare about my husband with negative emotions and that I hadn't even been able to see him in the dreams.  He said 'the reason I keep making special time to talk to you is because it's very important for you to accept where you are, Kyra."  "These things that happen to us in our lives are beyond our control."  "You must keep a positive attitude and accept."  "Three years ago, would you have been in as good a place as you are now to accept what is happening?"  "Probably not," I said.  "Everything happens at exactly the right time and for the right reasons."  "You have been given your health and your father and your husband for a reason that is beyond what you can conceive; you have to accept."  I said that my husband was a very good man.  "There are many very good people that do not have good people in their life."  "You have."  "You are joined together in destiny and must simply accept all what is happening - the good and the bad."  "You can not assign blame to others or point your fingers outside of yourself."  I thought about how I've been blogging about so many externalities and all of the bad things that I had done to result in harm to others in my life.  

I then thought about my walking as of late - having to ask Jen to slow down from her speed walking and only walking 30 minutes before needing to take a rest.  I told him I was frustrated that I could no longer walk very far and was afraid that this was going to limit my options in the future.  He responded:  "You can train your body to walk again - maybe not as far - but quite far."  "You are starting at level 5-10 and must take your time to master each level before moving to the next."  "It may seem like a backward slide to the negative mind, but to the positive mind it is a new beginning."  "You take your time to get to know your body as it is now and then you test the limits of how far you can expand."  "But first, you must accept where you are."  "Accept and be positive."  " this is a new beginning for you."  "Accept it."

And so, I am accepting in theory, but still struggling a bit with the actuality of it.  I am glad that I have some more time here to continue listening to, learning from, and experimenting with my body, mind and intellect in such a nourishing place.  Matt has texted through skype and we're working on an exact time for him to call today (you see, my phone doesn't ring so I have to be looking directly at it to receive a call).  It's been good to be here and mostly removed from technology b/c I can focus on the subtle aspects.  I'm looking really forward to talking to him.  I'm accepting that my body and I are studying devotedly at level 5-10 and we will make progress.  But for now, I accept.  I accept. I accept.